Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
