I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
