Acid is not a monday night drug
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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