i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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