I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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