I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
