I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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