remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
