haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
