hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Randomize
