so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
