i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
