I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I didn't notice because vodka
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
