remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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