Banned from zoo.
Again?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
