According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
