The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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