Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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