my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
only you would photoshop your dick
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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