That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
