I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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