what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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