all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
