I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
