Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
