bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
