My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
