i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
