Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
