I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
organizing the empties. That sober.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
