the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm like, not good at living.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
