I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
