There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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