I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You did what with his pubic hair?
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