We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
