I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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