I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
