You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
