and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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