Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
