well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
