so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras