I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
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I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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