dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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