He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
