i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
