She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
