I will die if light touches me.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It's shark week go big or go home
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
