Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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