I wish I only lived at night.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
