Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
