The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
