Apparently you make a good broom.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
