yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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