So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
