were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
